6 Weeks

I used to post these updates on my personal Facebook profile, but had to really pair it down/try not to be too negative/not really talk about how I’m doing and feeling.

6 weeks. I feel like I ought to be further along with things. There’s so much noise telling me I should be making 6 figures by now. I just want to block it all out by keeping my head down, but it’s hard not to notice everything and wonder where or if I fit in. There are two jobs that I am applying for. I’d be pleased to have either, but don’t think that makes me a quitter.

I went to my old job again today. I haven’t been back for a month. Nothings changed there, according to my old co-workers, but I’ve worked through a lot in the meantime. I’ve mostly enjoyed the quietness. It’s so much easier to shut out any drama that comes up on social media by leaving a Facebook group or telling Facebook I no longer want to see something. I can’t figure out exactly how I feel about going back there, in general. I felt really anxious driving over there. One thought on that: these people know too much about me. These people who aren’t “my people” (save one) know too much about me. And I’m going back there: to the lion’s den (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade reference. Though, if you get it, you will likely think the comparison is quite severe). Or PTSD, as a friend suggested. Quite possibly.

Here’s something I have known all along: productivity has nothing to do with time. So, I have an entire day within which to “get stuff done” —does that mean I’m a content-creation machine? A couple of times it has, but most of the time I give myself a huge to-do list filled with things that don’t particularly excite me, but I feel like I should do. And also things that I’ve overcommitted to doing. So, most days I end up not accomplishing much. Would I have gotten the same amount of work done after coming home from an 8-hour shift at work? Some days, yes.

If I stay working from home, will my access to (potential) IRL friends diminish? Of course, my two closest friends are guys I went to high school with. I live in constant fear that one of my friends will tell me we can no longer be friends. Because that’s happened before. And, I know that holding on to things too tightly just makes them die faster than giving them room to breathe does. I think it was in part because I told that friend too much and he got sick of me. So, I refrain from telling most people anything real.

What have I been up to this week? On Tuesday, I went to a media event that Whole Foods invited me to, based around the idea of putting together floral bouquets for Mother’s Day. I was grateful for the extroverts there who came up to talk to me. And for the introverts who stood around more awkwardly than I. Lesson: always be less awkward than the most awkward person there. The whole thing felt really. . .right. Styling, taking pictures, connecting with people who are in to the same things I am.

Like when I was at the SoFabU On the Road Blogging Conference in Seattle. It felt like what I am supposed to do, how I’m supposed to spend my time. That and travelling. I did a bit of spontaneous exploring to Squamish yesterday evening. I meant to go to the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal and sit at one of the coffee shops and work for a bit, but I kept driving. Every morning now I start my day with watching this on Creative Live:make your dream trip a reality

It’s a 6 week bootcamp with a Facebook group and Twitter hashtag. Participating makes me feel like I’m part of something exciting. Not just dreaming, but taking action towards something. How many tanks of gas could I get out of a month’s rent?

I’ve been having really bad headaches lately—like the for almost 2 weeks now. The only thing I bought in Seattle to bring home (the weekend before last, when I went there for a blogging conference) was lots of candy. I thought maybe eating so much of it was giving me headaches, so I stopped. No change. Not eating enough? Yes, possibly.

So far, the only things that have helped are eating, drinking, and going for a drive out of the city. Also sleeping. None of these make for a very productive day. Is it the weather? I feel like it could be. But wasn’t it really sunny for a few days last week? I don’t know. I can’t explain it and I feel like it’s preventing me from getting much done. OR MAYBE IT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL. You know—ALL IN MY HEAD.

I really need an editor. A real one to edit my writing, because I love commas too much. And I can never decide between different synonyms, so I use a variety of words—sometimes in the same sentence. Makes me feel like a commitment-phobe.

And one (a life editor? Is that a career? Like someone to tell you to stop doing stupid things? Someone should get on that.) that will make it so I don’t feel like, with so many different platforms (websites, plus all those social media sites), I still don’t have a venue for what I’m really thinking. I’ve kind of gotten over thinking that no one wants to hear my random thoughts. That’s actually probably related to all the different places where I can share things. There is one large gap, though—but, I’m working on a new secret project to take care of that.

So, why do I feel as though there aren’t enough places to share my thoughts? Probably has something to do with not using my vocal chords to connect with people very often these past 6 weeks. Some days, I feel like I’m going to lose my voice from lack of use. Can that happen??? But really, I can’t get all of it out in text form. I miss having someone to talk to everyday. I need a dog. Or a cat.

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