I used to post these updates on my personal Facebook profile, but had to really pair it down/try not to be too negative/not really talk about how I’m doing and feeling.
6 weeks. I feel like I ought to be further along with things. There’s so much noise telling me I should be making 6 figures by now. I just want to block it all out by keeping my head down, but it’s hard not to notice everything and wonder where or if I fit in. There are two jobs that I am applying for. I’d be pleased to have either, but don’t think that makes me a quitter.
I went to my old job again today. I haven’t been back for a month. Nothings changed there, according to my old co-workers, but I’ve worked through a lot in the meantime. I’ve mostly enjoyed the quietness. It’s so much easier to shut out any drama that comes up on social media by leaving a Facebook group or telling Facebook I no longer want to see something. I can’t figure out exactly how I feel about going back there, in general. I felt really anxious driving over there. One thought on that: these people know too much about me. These people who aren’t “my people” (save one) know too much about me. And I’m going back there: to the lion’s den (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade reference. Though, if you get it, you will likely think the comparison is quite severe). Or PTSD, as a friend suggested. Quite possibly.
Here’s something I have known all along: productivity has nothing to do with time. So, I have an entire day within which to “get stuff done” —does that mean I’m a content-creation machine? A couple of times it has, but most of the time I give myself a huge to-do list filled with things that don’t particularly excite me, but I feel like I should do. And also things that I’ve overcommitted to doing. So, most days I end up not accomplishing much. Would I have gotten the same amount of work done after coming home from an 8-hour shift at work? Some days, yes.
If I stay working from home, will my access to (potential) IRL friends diminish? Of course, my two closest friends are guys I went to high school with. I live in constant fear that one of my friends will tell me we can no longer be friends. Because that’s happened before. And, I know that holding on to things too tightly just makes them die faster than giving them room to breathe does. I think it was in part because I told that friend too much and he got sick of me. So, I refrain from telling most people anything real.
What have I been up to this week? On Tuesday, I went to a media event that Whole Foods invited me to, based around the idea of putting together floral bouquets for Mother’s Day. I was grateful for the extroverts there who came up to talk to me. And for the introverts who stood around more awkwardly than I. Lesson: always be less awkward than the most awkward person there. The whole thing felt really. . .right. Styling, taking pictures, connecting with people who are in to the same things I am.…continue reading